You SHOULD feel love towards your mother. Why aren't you a BETTER daughter? Don't you love me? Don't you want us all to be a happy family? You are not being a true Christian by acting this way towards me. Shame on you!
This and so much more filled my head for years. I felt shame, guilt, anxiety, stress, fear and the constant feeling of never being enough.
The first paragraph are just a few examples of how a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can make you feel. Constant shame and blame placed on you from their own insecurities. We see this a lot on social media, blogs, podcasts, you name it, that we need to fill our cups in order to pour into others. You might think that filling your cup is by pure goodness. Maybe some self care, reading, journaling, laughter, coffee, chocolate, whatever kind of feel good things, right? Well, someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder sees it a bit different. They see it as, I am superior and I must make my children feel small so I can fill my cup. I must take from them because I need to be fulfilled. A healthy person fills their cup with positive things, while a person with NPD fills up theirs with negative things. The more you hurt, the more you feel sad, the more they can be in the light (no matter what type of light that is), the more their cup is being filled.
You may think that after all the life sucking person is doing, they must feel so confident in themselves, right? Wrong! Inside they secretly feel low self-esteem and empty. Kinda bizarre isn't it?
Feeling this way almost my entire life has made me work even harder to prove that I can make it, I can do hard things, I can change my family tree, I am a good mom, I am a good wife and I am a good Christian. Even though I have felt that I need to prove this every single day, I still have a hard time looking at all I have accomplished and really soaking it in. Like it wasn't that big of a deal, but yes it was. When given a compliment, I feel like people are just saying that because they feel like they have to. Yet on the flip side, I will cheer for you. I will notice you didn't take my compliment, look at you, giving you that compliment again, waiting for it to soak in. Yet, I couldn't do this for myself. I was fighting for myself all this time but never cheering myself on. I would strive for a better day tomorrow but then continuously tell myself, "you're right, you will never make it." I think I was actually fighting with myself every single day instead of being my own cheerleader.
I have turned a corner. I read a book that finally gave me answers to questions I was asking for years. Was it really my fault? Was I really being ungrateful, selfish and very un-deserving? Constant talks with my husband about it and yet we could never really understand truly what was happening or why. The book I was told to read was "Narcissistic Mothers" by: Caroline Foster. 125 pages filled with answers I had been longing for. Words telling me, I am the normal one, there is nothing wrong with me and it is not my fault. 125 pages of words I will hold close to my heart.
Not only has this book helped me, but I also came to realize I needed more help than what I could do on my own. I had been following Jada Dobesh with Selah Space for some time now and knew it was time to go see her. So I did. My family gifted me sessions with Jada for the entire year! Can you feel the love? I sure can.
I want you to know that if you are dealing with a Narcissist, please get help. They are very complex individuals and if you do not get help, they will constantly bring you down with them. Remember they thrive on seeing you so much weaker than them. However, YOU are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I have faith in God that he will be right by your side helping you through this.
I am writing a book about my journey and I hope that you will be along for the ride. Thank you for reading this blog. I hesitated writing it because it's my words out there on the internet and it may hurt some people. But guess what, I didn't write it for them did I? No, I wrote it for YOU. I want better for you and so does God.
I highly recommend Jada for any help you may need. She is a beautiful person inside & out.
Sending you lots of love with a BIG warm hug,
Alesha